I’ve been having nightmares recently. They vary in content and level of scariness. There doesn’t seem to be any one consistent theme. Nor can I detect that one thing that I’m doing during the hours preceding bedtime that might be causing me to have these scary dreams. Other than the fact that I’ve experienced a variety of stressors lately, I can’t put my finger on why I’m having nightmares most every night.
But these nightmares don’t faze me at all in comparison to the haunting premonition that eases its way into my consciousness ever so often. This “nightmare” is definitely caused by one of my biggest fears: the fear of being found out.
Some days, when my sense of security is a little fragile, I worry that everyone will find out that I really am not who I claim to be. That I’m not really:
- a mom, but I’ve just been playing dolls for some 20 years now, pretending to know how to nurture my children, make decisions on their behalf, and protect them from harm. In reality, I’m just a scared little girl with way too much responsibility for my level of expertise. My children are in the process of leaving the nest now and I still don’t feel like I ever became a knowledgeable expert at this mom thing. In fact, sometimes as I watch young moms feeding their children certain foods, taking them on certain field trips, and teaching them certain things, I feel even more inept and think to myself, “Oh my, I did it all wrong!”
- a pastor’s wife, but I’m just this silly little girl that somehow ended up in this de facto leadership role in the church because I married the man I married. Make no mistake, I feel that he is every bit the pastor he is, but I just don’t know how I got to be the “first lady.” I’m no super saint and I don’t have the answers to anyone’s problems. For Pete’s sake, I don’t even know where the 5-year-old Sunday school class meets and I don’t have a key to anything!
- a writer, not a real one anyhow, but that I just aspire to be. This is actually a common phenomenon among writers, I’m told. For some reason even after you’ve been legitimately published by a legitimate publisher and you receive a legitimate check for your work, you still don’t feel like you’re a legitimate writer, an author. When I’ve been to writers’ conferences (even that doesn’t make me feel legit) the “experts” even spent a lot of time having us say those magical words out loud to ourselves, “I’m an author. I write.” Didn’t do it for me. I still fear that any day now the “real writers” are going to knock on my door, storm into my house, rip my computer from the outlet, slap a citation on my desk, and storm out yelling, “We don’t tolerate frauds!” Then one of them will do an about face, come back into my office and gather up the piles of magazines that contain my articles, tote them out the door and say snidely, “These don’t really count, you know.” It won’t matter. I never thought they did anyhow.
I don’t know if this nightmare is unique to me or if it’s something that someone out there might identify with, but I know that it has stuck with me for years. It’s similar to that feeling that you’ve never really become an adult and that you still get to think about “what I’ll be when I grow up.” But it also carries shades of simply feeling that you’re not an expert on anything.
By now shouldn’t I be an expert on something? I see 20-somethings writing books and appearing on Good Morning America touting their expertise and I wonder when I’m going to become an aficionado on anything. And make no mistake about it–this is not just a matter of humility. I’m sure it’s more insecurity than humility.
So that’s where I’m at today. I’m sitting at my computer writing the additional four devotionals my official editor assigned me so I can meet my official deadline, but I’m not feeling very official at all. I’m trying to keep the re-occurring nightmare at bay, but I’m also watching my front door and expecting the official police any time now.
Anybody out there identify at all?
We're glad that you aren't a "Super Saint" because then you wouldn't be approachable like you are!!! ๐ And yes, I too frequently feel this way…inadequate, unworthy of my position, a failure! But those are just the lies that Satan tells me to lure me to worldly things! And as I learned from an amazing AUTHOR this week, those things DON'T satisfy like Jesus does! ๐
I love this post and can so relate!! I think Satan makes sure I feel this way on a regular basis!! So thankful that I am ME, just who Jesus wants me to be even when I don't feel like I measure up!!
Great post!!
Love and Blessings to you!!
Oh, I so relate on so many levels. I've been a writer for years, even had a few articles published, but I would never call myself a "writer." I've been a college professor, teaching . . . writing! . . . but I still would never call myself a writer.
Insecure, much? ๐
What a great post Kay, thank you fo being so honest. I am struggling with feeling of insecurity in my new adventure of home schooling. I fear I will let my girls down, but I know it's just Satan up to his old tricks.
I think we all struggle with various insecurities of not being good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, etc. We can be pretty tough on ourselves! I'm so glad that God sees me through HIS eyes and not my own.
Praying for you to have a good night's rest, Kay, asking God to hold you close and rock you to sleep…allowing you to have nothing but sweet dreams.
Blessings…
Heavenly Father, thank you for prompting me to check Facebook before going to bed tonight. Your timing is always so perfect to allow us to see and hear where there is a need for prayer to cover a hurting sister. My heart goes out to Kay tonight Lord, that she will be able to have a restful night, free of any stressful thoughts or dreams that tend to undermine who she is in you.
I thank you for the times you bring each of us through the periods of questioning who we are, why we are doubting the path we have chosen, and our feelings of inadequacy to do the job you have called us to do.
Continue to help us along the path of healing as we learn to trust one another enough to share the truth of who we really are and our fears of the unknown.
In Your precious name I pray, Amen
I SO understand. This whole homeschooling thing makes me wonder, "what if they find out I'm not doing it right?" Even though I have a degree in education, sometimes I feel so inadequate.
When I run into people and they say they like my blog I think, "what if they find out I'm a dork in real life?" Hehe!